A Pain Like This
by TheFluffyPrince
Summary: They both had no idea just how much it would hurt to leave the place that they both considered home until it was too late.


**A/N: Welp, I had to write some angst eventually. So, here's my lousy contribution, based off of the scene where it's revealed why Haru chose to quit swimming. **

**Warning: Angst**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Free!/Swimming anime**

Time passed by slowly. Slower than he had ever seen it go by before. It was like watching a tree grow, or wadding through a thick liquid. His entire body felt like lead as he walked down the street. Everything, the streets and the houses, seemed to blend together until nothing looked that different other than the occasional landmark that stood out in the darkness. But even with those differences, he wasn't really paying that much attention to any of it. Crickets and frogs could be heard all around him, but they just seemed to blend together until it was just one loud noise that wouldn't leave. It rattled his head and left him disoriented.

It was well past eight, nighttime in the city, and he shouldn't be outside. His parents would flip out if they were to find out that he had snuck out of the house at this time of night. But, he couldn't find it in himself to care. He had felt restless and had been overcome with the feeling of needing to go. He needed to go. He needed to go to the place one last time.

He needed to go to the swimming club one last time.

Clenching his fists tightly together, Haruka drew in a shaky breath. He hadn't thought that it would hurt like this. He hadn't expected to feel as though a part of himself had died. It had just...happened. But not just once. No, it had happened twice, both of which he hadn't seen coming. But now, now that he was looking back, he felt stupid, idiotic, naive for believing that something as good as he had had would have lasted this long. It was a wonder that it had.

It was only a matter of time before Rin would have left anyhow. He wasn't blind to the way that the other boy had looked at him whenever he swam. Passing looks of curiosity and a slight bit of envy...he wasn't blind. He knew that Rin had been silently jealous and angry at him. He knew how others looked at him. They thought of him as too cold, too distant. People mentioned how he always seemed stuck to Rin, Makoto, and Nagisa. They mentioned how he never seemed to practice as hard as the other swimmers.

It hurt.

Despite his dislike of large crowds and many people, he didn't actually want to feel as though he was intimidating. He didn't want to come across as desperate. He didn't want to seem as though Rin had been his entire life.

Except that was how he was acting now, the more that he thought of it.

He wasn't sure what had even happened that day. Rin had challenged him to another race, as per usual. But Haruka had noticed something slighty different that time. Something about Rin had been different compared to other times. There had been some kind of gleam in Rin's eyes as he demanded to race against Haruka. But just like his stupid self, he hadn't realized it at the time. He had just passed it off to being Rin's usual passionate self. Even when his conscious had been nagging at him to look deeper at the situation, he had accepted the challenge.

_And now look where he was. _

Feet stopping suddenly, Haruka blinked and slowly lifted his head up. He stared at the empty building, heart pounding in his chest. His throat suddenly felt dry and he could feel everything throbbing with nervousness and apprehension. He suddenly didn't want to do this. This was a stupid idea and he should probably just go home.

But no matter how much his mind screamed at him to leave, screamed at him that leaving would harder than ever if he stayed here any longer, his feet began moving forward. The closer that he got to the doors, his body began trembling. He could actually feel his eyes tearing up and he slapped a hand over his mind to keep himself from making any noises. Why was he suddenly so emotional? It didn't make any sense. It didn't make any sense! Why was it so hard for him to just leave! I was just a swim club-

_...No. _

No. It wasn't just a swim club. It...it had been his life. His life, his dream, his entire being. Swimming was his life. It gave him a reason to wake up each morning, to actually try his best not to shut himself up in the house all day. And now...now he was giving it up.

He was giving it all up and it killed him.

It killed him so much to be here. He could feel his heart literally ripping at the seams the closer that he grew to the building. He needed to leave. Leave, before he found himself break down. Breaking down would accomplish nothing other than making everything worse. It would make the feeling worse.

It would make parting much worse.

Hand finally grazing the doorknob, A choking noise left Haruka's throat and before he could stop hismelf, he fell to his knees. His body began trembling, shoulders moving up and down as silent sobs tried to worked their way out of his body. He clenched his teeth together and tried to pull himself together. And while that worked for the first few seconds, an image of Rin walking past him in the swim club after their last race threw that attempt down the drain. A harsh gasp left his mouth before he finally let himself succumb to the sobs racking at his body. Pathetic whines and cries left his mouth, echoing lightly around the nearby area. He really hoped that nobody was nearby to hear his breakdown, because he doubted that he could stop himself now. Tears and snot rolled down his face and for a moment, he thought bitterly about how ugly he must have looked. Crying on the ground like some child. Whining like some animal like his tears were going to make a difference.

But even with the self-deprecating thoughts, tears continued running down his face and sobs still racked at his body.

Several thoughts assaulted his distraught mind, ranging from the pain of giving up competitive swimming for good, to hurting Rin. Rin...he had hurt his friend. He had hurt the one person who had possibly brought out the best in him, according to Makoto. He hadn't felt as happy or as light as he had before Rin had slipped into their lives. He had brightened all of their lives, his bright smile practically lighting up the entire swim club. Everyone liked him and wanted to hang out with him. But out of everyone in the swim club, he had chosen their group.

He had chosen Haruka.

But now, that was gone. Rin had left him. He had gone right past him, a look of pain and hurt present on his face in the meantime. And the worst part about it was that Haruka didn't even know he had ended up hurting Rin until it was too late. He had just treated the entire thing like every other race that they had done. Rin had honestly wanted to beat him, but Haruka had been too fast, too good.

Some days, Haruka hated his natural swimming ability. He wished that he wasn't a so called prodigy so that he and Rin could still be friends. He wished that they...that they had...

He wished...

Haruka blinked tiredly as he stared at the rubble that used to be the old swim club. He had heard from Makoto that morning that the swim club had finally been destroyed, but to be honest, he wasn't surprised to see that it was finally gone. Seeing the condition of it when they had last been there was enough for him to see why it needed to go. Even though he had memories in the building, good and bad alike, it was time to leave that part of his life alone.

Although, there was something that brought him here and held him there. At least, for just a moment.

Walking up a bit closer, Haruka stopped right in front of the rubble, right where the door was. His lips were pierced tightly together and for a moment, he felt a feeling of stifling sadness overcome him. His eyes fell shut and he could feel one tear slid down the side of his face, dropping off once it reached his chin. But before it could completely overwhelm him, he took in a deep breath and let himself reign in feeling. His eyes slowly opened, his vision blurry with unshed tears before he blinked them away and took another calming breath.

Now wasn't the time to succumb to those feelings or thoughts. He had already done so once and he wouldn't let it happen again. Now, he wouldn't be crying about his loses. He would be fighting to change them into victories. He wouldn't let himself be torn down. He wouldn't stay down and hope for a different out come. He had lost a friend in this swim club.

Now it was time for him to gain him back with a new one.


End file.
